I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
(2022)
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not