When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*seductively corrects your posture*
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.