When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My dog ate my work from home.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Cat.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.