Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
me: how about 9:15
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I bet parents get annoyed when their kids ask “are we there yet?” when they’re fully aware they now live in a car
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”
*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
A coworker wouldn’t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.