When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

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Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?


my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15


if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you


I bet parents get annoyed when their kids ask “are we there yet?” when they’re fully aware they now live in a car


Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.



ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs


“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*


[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.


Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.


A coworker wouldn’t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.