When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
The internet is full of many things
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”