When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF