If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
A great tip. #CakeRex
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop