My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
🚲+physics = winner
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
True freaking story!
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are