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@IziBoy121

I bought a blowup doll today, but I won’t blow her up until tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.

@ObscureGent

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

@FFmaxhyde

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

@TheSharona06

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

@djdarrellripley

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

@onlxn

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

@cottoncandaddy

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

@Darlainky

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

@ACall55

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.