her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Jail
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.