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I bought a blowup doll today, but I won’t blow her up until tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.


To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.


Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle


When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.


*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!


TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die


why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime


I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.


WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff


Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.