If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
He-man has a Masters degree
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet