Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I’m listening
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.