Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!