When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Best spoiler warning ever
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Still a very good boi….
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.