I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
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The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
And then there were 4
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??