when dads have a rap battle
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
👾👾👾
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Name another movie that mislead you?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
CRYING
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it