Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.
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Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter
Daughter: So I gather
I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.