One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid