I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
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me: ok this isn’t that bad
[12 hours later]
me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven’t heard from them since.
Best decision ever