When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
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*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
A choir of Spring onions
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.