@snatch_stache

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

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@alliejane_508

I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.

@donttouchjames

[intermittent fasting]

me: ok this isn’t that bad

[12 hours later]

me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here

@fro_vo

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

@TechnicallyRon

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

@mrjohndarby

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

@RobDenBleyker

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

@noog

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

@mdob11

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

@noneofyours99

I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven’t heard from them since.

Best decision ever