Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”