When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
For those that worship cheese..
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
me after eating Cheetos
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig