@rickolantern

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

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@DanaSchwartzzz

ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol

ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn

@Tmoney68

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

@CocoJr

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

@capnwatsisname

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

@OneFunnyMummy

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

@thejessbess

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

@simoncholland

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

@WesTheFatKid

Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.”

…… apparently.

@AristotlesNZ

Dont lie about your job, just word it better.

Ex: “I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp”
vs
“I cashier at KFC”

@badbanana

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.