When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
You Might Also Like
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Me irl
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.