When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

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Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉



Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?


[Nature documentary]

Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height.

Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?


I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?


[about to invent Spaghetti-Os]

chef boyardee: *eating canned dog food* this would be great if I add some salt


Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.


[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.


“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”

*silently writes him out of my will*