When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there