me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.