When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Morning my dudes.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.