Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish
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If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
It’s all fun and games until you notice the “rocket” in your son’s Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.