I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears