“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Ain’t no way
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Thursday
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won