My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!