why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
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When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
he looks great for his age
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”