When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

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me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep


haunted cereals

-unlucky charms
-honey tomb
-golden graves
-cookie crypt
-honey bunches of moats
-cinnamon ghost crunch


Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*


Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.


Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear


“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.


Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now