@michaeljhudson

When Edison got the idea for the lightbulb, an oil lamp appeared over his head.

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@SortaBad

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

@mindflakes

A good way to make friends with someone is to break into their house at night and clean it

@Skoog

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

@Cajun_Ninja

Met this nice girl at the mall today. Her name was No. and coincidentally her number was also No.

@farahfergie

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

@Brewsker

PRO TIP: EAT AND GET FAT.
If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.

@KenJennings

Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there

@HairyJew4Life

Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?

@natedeschaine

Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I’m about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.

@neonwario

I excuse myself to the washroom before I order
You walk in and see me, leaning towards the mirror repeating “I’ll have the hamburger please”