If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?