When Edison got the idea for the lightbulb, an oil lamp appeared over his head.

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There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.


A good way to make friends with someone is to break into their house at night and clean it


me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?


Met this nice girl at the mall today. Her name was No. and coincidentally her number was also No.


Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance


If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.


Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there


Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?


Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I’m about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.


I excuse myself to the washroom before I order
You walk in and see me, leaning towards the mirror repeating “I’ll have the hamburger please”