When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.