When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes