@EBenita0517

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

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@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

@PhilJamesson

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

@theshamingofjay

Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.

@CArmanthegirl

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

@MyHairyLife

I will not eat a donut.
I will not eat a donut.
I will not eat…

I will not eat a third donut.
I will not eat a third donut.

@LMLMadness

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

@causticbob

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.