When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.