@iamspacegirl

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

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@ElleOhHell

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

@ThugRaccoons

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

@thenatewolf

The most unbelievable part about Sesame Street (a show with an 8 foot bird) is that there is only one grouch in the whole neighborhood.

@lisaxy424

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

@flashember

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

@rad_milk

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

@tiffistrying

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

@MadGamer79

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.