when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I bet birds love this building.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.