when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
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Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.