@HlessHman

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

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@daemonic3

me: i’d like help with my taxes

accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?

me: i’d say anxious

accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year

me: oh sorry, depressed

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

@Adam14

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

@MisterRots

If I ever become a ghost, no way I’m haunting some abandoned building. I’m finding the nearest lingerie store and setting up shop there

@mastrap84

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

@amydillon

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

@TheBoydP

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?