me: i’d like help with my taxes
accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?
me: i’d say anxious
accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year
me: oh sorry, depressed
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[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
When women go to the restroom together that’s so you can make out, right?
If I ever become a ghost, no way I’m haunting some abandoned building. I’m finding the nearest lingerie store and setting up shop there
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?