When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
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Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?