When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
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*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view