When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
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Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.