When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
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I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
sometimes we need to be reminded
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006