When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

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*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*

“Hey, a little help here?”


Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.


I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.


Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“Just take…”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”


ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.


Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no


Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No


Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal


[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?