*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*
“Hey, a little help here?”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?