I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
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Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My 4-year-old: My underwear is trying to kill me.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves