When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you