@MyPornKhan

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

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@krishna_van

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

@rebrafsim

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

@robdelaney

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

@sumpeoplelikeit

The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.

@DrakeGatsby

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

@Troman88

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

@Zaius13

The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

@HollyMemphis

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

@CAshmanActor

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves