When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.


Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.


You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*


Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.


if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me


If you drink enough coffee with your morning joint, you can wake and shake and bake.


I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.


Financial status:

10 days ago: eating cat food.

Today: eating the cat.