@SarcasticAlly12

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

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@13spencer

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

@Cheeseboy22

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

@MiSsSnObBy

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

@hansabumsadaisy

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@NewDadNotes

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cat.

Cat: yay!

God: you really love the humans.

Cat: yeah I do!

God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.

Cat: oh no! what should I do?

God: try giving them gifts.

[later]

Human: is-is that a dead bird?

Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!

@Bownuggets

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

@MourningGlory_

My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.

Me: It’s really not that bad

@RocketRankoon

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”