When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit