When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
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*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
this is me
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I am a gravy boat captain
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
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