When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!