When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.