Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
This raises questions
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?