[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
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I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Personal question. #JustSaying
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.