My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
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Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
“what that mouth do?” complain
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I know
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning