“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
my one true gender
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.