Me: C’mon, baby. Send me a pic.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Baby, please. I need it.
*Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck*
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump.” – SWAT manual on breaking down doors
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”