@Kids_kubed

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

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@drinksmcgee

Me: C’mon, baby. Send me a pic.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Baby, please. I need it.
Her: Fine.

*Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck*

Me: Sweeeeeet

@DurtMcHurtt

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever

@SortaBad

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

@Weird_Rash

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

@kumailn

“Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump.” – SWAT manual on breaking down doors

@chuuew

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

@DanMentos

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”