@robfee: When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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@KenJennings: Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you're fooling?
@EJGomez: "dad mom wont tell me where babies come from" *dad slams newspaper down* DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS *clenches fists* WHY WONT SHE TELL US
@drinksmcgee: I only have 3 rules when I have guests over: 1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite. 2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table. 3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don't.
@astutenewf: Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm 80% rice krispies.