When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
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My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”