my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*